Wasting away my waistline as I wait for weight.

Today is Thursday, March 10th 2011

11:33 pm

I can feel the spring exploding hopeful seeds inside of my body.

Inspiration boils over the jailhouse fence.

I'm awakening little by little, title by title, tittle by tittle.

I'm also playing scrabble constantly. It might be considered a sickness at this point.

Even when I'm not playing, I'm forming crossword maps inside of my head.

Vicious, Lesbian, Ludicrous, Levitate, Honorary, Bagel, Beagle, Warble, and Wart.

--

Two days ago, Alan took me to a hospital. Inside the pre-op center, a nurse led me to a small area with a window that she called, "A room with a view" before instructing me to pee in a cup.

Alan saw my pee in the cup and then he was sent to the waiting room.

I sat alone inside of my curtained cell, covered with a warm blankey and a People magazine.

New patients entered the room. A nurse led them to the curtained cell next to me and announced that they had a room with a view!

I felt used, cheated and nervous.

My doctor came in and he grabbed at my tracheostomy scar, pulling it painfully.

I didn't wince because this is about the fourth or fifth time that he's grabbed it this way.

"We're just going to cut this out," he said with a smile.

I think that he might be a sadist, but it's okay. I like him.

He cleaned out my left ear of all its wax last weak and then he'd shoved the gauze pad into my face to show me the raisins of wax that he'd removed.

He must get the same pleasure from that that I do when I pop zits.

I was given an IV shortly after seeing the doctor.

One nurse had asked which arm that I wanted it in.

I told her the right and then another nurse came in and said that the anesthesiologist preferred to work with the left arm and would there be any problem using that arm?

No, I said, feeling defeated.

A needle was poked into my left arm and it was explained to me how all that would be left in there was a plastic noodle.

This didn't make me feel anymore at ease, but the warm blankey sure did.

Another nurse came in and helped me remove my bra. The anesthesiologist would want my lungs to be free.

I was wheeled into another wing and then into the OR.

Two nurses arranged the tools that would be used in my surgery and I began thinking what a horrible mistake that I'd made to agree to get this procedure done.

The anesthesiologist came in and hooked me up to an oxygen tank and then screwed something into one of my IV's leads.

Shortly afterward, I felt a serene ooze roll over my body. Thank god, the drugs.

The next thing that I knew, I was back into a curtained cell.

A group of irritated twenty-somethings gurgled next door to me and I stared hazily at the clock, which read sometime after noon.

I was given tea and toast and sent on my way.

At the pharmacy picking up my antibiotic and pain medication, Alan and I stared at a duck pond with our complimentary coffees.

A white dove bobbed his face forward and backward as he walked and I explained how much I loved watching birds walk.

It's two days later and I just switched out the dressing on my neck.

I'm not looking forward to next Wednesday when the doctor takes the stitches out.

-Shivers-

I can just see him now. "We're just going to RIP these guys right out!"

Rebuild.

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