So yesterday there was Hurricane Irene and I didn't take many photographs aside from Eric on the bluffs, watching the waves.
Aside from a facelift for the trees, a couple power lines, a post, and a bit of corn, our little piece of Long Island seems to have been spared for the most part.
I spent the morning watching TV between sets of the power cutting out. Watching TV is something that I almost never do and yet it taught me a whole lot.
I watched an hour or so of some reality TV show (I know, that surprised me too)
And an hour or so of "The Sopranos."
I am nearly finished with buying DVDs, however, the Sopranos box set would be a pretty great thing to own.
One of the episodes that we watched was the one where Anthony Jr. goes to whack Uncle Jr. with the knife and he gets caught and Tony picks him up from the police station.
He puts all of his therapy to the test and he tells his son that he loves him and is proud of him and he holds back from hitting him out of frustration and the exchange between Anthony Jr. about "The Godfather" was incredibly powerful to me.
That show is just art all the way through and powerful commentary about the schisms occurring in the gangster universe.
Going through your life with your principles intact is a very difficult fucking thing to do.
I have the utmost respect for those that are continuing to stick to their guns, while also questioning exactly which guns should be stuck to.
Here is a literal example:
In the video game, Fallout: New Vegas, that I am playing right now, despite the fact that I have around 15 types of weapons, I nearly ALWAYS use my .357 magnum revolver and "That gun," a 5.56mm pistol.
This is a girl who sticks to her guns.
--
My recent social faux pas incited me to seek the help of a therapist. I feel remorse for the way that I've handled the situation. I would like someone to help me learn how to deal with my anxiety without relying on any crutches and at the same time know how to more appropriately connect and share with others.
This is a good start.
--
This morning I drove to the outlet mall in order to get shoes that don't make me stand out so much at my place of occupation. I also bought a blue dress for 26.99 that fits me very well, so long as I don't gain weight or let it shrink too much.
This will be a challenge.
--
Last night I took a big spider with big, black fuzzy fangs from the pillow that I was about to lay my head on, into a glass, and outside so that he could continue to live, unharmed.
I also talked to my boyfriend about my past and I cried and it felt really good to cry.
It also felt really good to hear that it was all going to be okay.
Everyone needs to hear that sometimes.
He told me that I am an angel and that I have a really big heart.
For an upfront and honest person, I have had a very difficult time of both asking for help when needed and for sharing my feelings.
Sometimes when you share with others that you are feeling hurt, it is interpreted as weakness, usually by those who are weak themselves.
Lucky for me, I am not actually a weak person. (I just play one on TV)
I have soft insides (who doesn't), however the road to their innards is shielded in steel and lined with proximity mines all the way to the core.
And each time that you trip one of those mines, your journey there gets all the harder.
I am re-learning to not be afraid of anybody, while also moving past thinking that I can peg a complete stranger just from meeting them for a few minutes, a day, a week, or even a year.
Anyone who thinks that they are a "good judge of character" or can do this kind of thing are mostly misguided and missing out on truly learning about somebody by thinking that they "already know" who they are.
You don't -really- know Jack. (Or Mary, Bob, or Peter)
Most people are not who they represent themselves to be (I am a huge fan of those few out there who are. You are truly men among mice) and if you are reading too far into a stranger from your limited point of view, you're doing yourself a disservice and setting your relationship with said person up for failure.
Eric's mother was talking to me when she came to visit us and she told me something that I haven't heard in a long while, but that attached itself to me in a unique way.
She said,
"More often than not, people are planning how they're going to respond when they are listening to what you say. Less often, people are listening to what you are saying in order to understand what you are saying."
I'm looking forward to listening more. Because.
This is excellent advice.
