Pharming for phun

Today I spent a few seconds punching my eyes back into focus.

(That's healthy)

Tomorrow I will hang from a large silk attached to the ceiling like a mermaid princess (what?) and apparently my wrists will hurt and so will the whole of my arms (oh good)

I have been fascinated lately by the fact that despite the fact that everything is an old idea being regurgitated anew, things usually, somehow, seem new or close to it. "Take that as a compliment" I said to another today and I thought, "My, I can't remember when that was said last,"and the other person laughed as though they'd never heard it before, though they undoubtedly have.

Mange, strange

turn the page,

garnish your wage,

take out your rage,

all the world's a

peppercorn ranch.

Pounced, Flounced

And double bounced.

Cashed checks, ship wrecks, good sex and sound effects

Round necks, knickers,

TV clickers, double dippers

dolphin flippers and DVD rippers,

rappers, flappers and hand clappers,

clobber a robber,

clamor with a rambler

skim a scam then skin your man,

tie down your toiletries and write up all the royalties

Spoiled trees, rotted buoyancy

drowning FOIL fees

freezing boiled dreams

Fly with me.

Beni-no-no-never ever again

Once upon a time, I needed to be alone and now I am never alone long enough.

Sleep is never too much.

And when it is,

I am too anxious

to awake

Harbor ale

mystery snail

Colt and bolt and robots

Today I ate a cauliflower and I wrote an article about Eagle Scouts and I had many posts and I still feel like

Skyscrapers, date rap-ists

Fake-up make-up

local yokel focal points and laughs and lingers

my fingers unfurl and twirl in your hair

while you're bare

naked

FIRST OF ALL,

Thanks.

thanks.

thanks.

thanks.

thanks.

I'm too ambitious.

One day, I'll be like,

Et tu _________ (insert your name here)

Where do I belong?

In the ground, little bird.

You have nothing to offer this world, so quit trying.

I keep getting out of bed in the morning, at 6, somehow.

It gets done. I'm getting a belly and I'm beginning to get varicose veins in my hands.

I keep hoping I can smooth them out again to no avail.

The more I look at this, the more I wonder if I'm a sacrificial lamb instead of an apprentice.

Cross your fingers for me and hope it's not a cross I'll be nailed to.

I miss the Island.

I've missed so many moments wrapped up in what I shouldn't be.

Spinning my hot wheels cars into the nearest wall and as I'm picking up the pieces of the wreckage, I'm told I needn't have driven in the first place.

Don't scoff at the fact that I whipped out a highlighter. I wanted to make sure I got the story right. When you scoffed, I panicked and I just wrote. and wrote. and it came out, All. wrong.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

A 'Thanks' dealt on autopilot feels worse then nothing at all.

A moment of melodrama brought to you by your not-so-local something or other.

I say so seriously, I have no idea who I am anymore.

Who are you?

Someone's got to be someone around here.

I saw All the President's Men for my first time last night.

I'm not kidding; I'm that much of a loser that I've only just seen All the President's Men.

It was. fucking. gold with a side of opals.

FIREHANDS

Garhob

I don't know what that means, but I like it.

When I thought what a "garhob" would be, I decided that it was probably a loogie, but the kind that one gets when they are developing a sinus infection.

Have you ever put your garhob on a plate and poked your finger into the center of it in order to test how solid its core is?

Of course you haven't.

--

Dear God and Jesus and Frank Sinatra,

I deleted my myspace last month in a fit of unchecked paranoia and anxiety.

I have also, in the process, probably deleted some of my writing that I will never be able to get back.

This is self-mutilation and it's not cute.

Okay guys, let's place bets on if I make it where I'm hoping to or if I succumb to the pressure of the overpopulated universe.

I think I'll sit this bet out.

--

Recently I finally learned how to play blackjack because I was able to do so on a video game (Fallout: New Vegas) and thus I was able to learn without anyone watching me.

This is why reading is so wonderful.

Because you get to learn the entire time that you're reading (if it's any good) and if anyone looks at you, they can't judge you for being stupid because they feel stupid because they are not reading and can therefore suck all the dicks in Texas.

(Insert either mean joke about how guys in texas are huge dicks or flattering joke about how guys in texas have huge dicks)

Something like that.

Really, none of that is true, but I do understand more about blackjack.

Hit me again

(that'swhatshesaid)

--

It's 2 am and I have chewed all of my fingernails off and am more nervous than ever.

I hope tomorrow is nicer and I wish that I had a friend so that I could stop awkwardly reaching out to people that I like and either alienating them in the process or making myself look like a huge fool.

Apparently I used to be cool.

What the fuck happened, man?

--

REMIND ME TO OPEN AN IRA ACCOUNT.

This woman told me that if I do this, then one day even I can retire.

Wouldn't that be nice?

This

So yesterday there was Hurricane Irene and I didn't take many photographs aside from Eric on the bluffs, watching the waves.

Aside from a facelift for the trees, a couple power lines, a post, and a bit of corn, our little piece of Long Island seems to have been spared for the most part.

I spent the morning watching TV between sets of the power cutting out. Watching TV is something that I almost never do and yet it taught me a whole lot.

I watched an hour or so of some reality TV show (I know, that surprised me too)

And an hour or so of "The Sopranos."

I am nearly finished with buying DVDs, however, the Sopranos box set would be a pretty great thing to own.

One of the episodes that we watched was the one where Anthony Jr. goes to whack Uncle Jr. with the knife and he gets caught and Tony picks him up from the police station.

He puts all of his therapy to the test and he tells his son that he loves him and is proud of him and he holds back from hitting him out of frustration and the exchange between Anthony Jr. about "The Godfather" was incredibly powerful to me.

That show is just art all the way through and powerful commentary about the schisms occurring in the gangster universe.

Going through your life with your principles intact is a very difficult fucking thing to do.

I have the utmost respect for those that are continuing to stick to their guns, while also questioning exactly which guns should be stuck to.

Here is a literal example:

In the video game, Fallout: New Vegas, that I am playing right now, despite the fact that I have around 15 types of weapons, I nearly ALWAYS use my .357 magnum revolver and "That gun," a 5.56mm pistol.

This is a girl who sticks to her guns.

--

My recent social faux pas incited me to seek the help of a therapist. I feel remorse for the way that I've handled the situation. I would like someone to help me learn how to deal with my anxiety without relying on any crutches and at the same time know how to more appropriately connect and share with others.

This is a good start.

--

This morning I drove to the outlet mall in order to get shoes that don't make me stand out so much at my place of occupation. I also bought a blue dress for 26.99 that fits me very well, so long as I don't gain weight or let it shrink too much.

This will be a challenge.

--

Last night I took a big spider with big, black fuzzy fangs from the pillow that I was about to lay my head on, into a glass, and outside so that he could continue to live, unharmed.

I also talked to my boyfriend about my past and I cried and it felt really good to cry.

It also felt really good to hear that it was all going to be okay.

Everyone needs to hear that sometimes.

He told me that I am an angel and that I have a really big heart.

For an upfront and honest person, I have had a very difficult time of both asking for help when needed and for sharing my feelings.

Sometimes when you share with others that you are feeling hurt, it is interpreted as weakness, usually by those who are weak themselves.

Lucky for me, I am not actually a weak person. (I just play one on TV)

I have soft insides (who doesn't), however the road to their innards is shielded in steel and lined with proximity mines all the way to the core.

And each time that you trip one of those mines, your journey there gets all the harder.

I am re-learning to not be afraid of anybody, while also moving past thinking that I can peg a complete stranger just from meeting them for a few minutes, a day, a week, or even a year.

Anyone who thinks that they are a "good judge of character" or can do this kind of thing are mostly misguided and missing out on truly learning about somebody by thinking that they "already know" who they are.

You don't -really- know Jack. (Or Mary, Bob, or Peter)

Most people are not who they represent themselves to be (I am a huge fan of those few out there who are. You are truly men among mice) and if you are reading too far into a stranger from your limited point of view, you're doing yourself a disservice and setting your relationship with said person up for failure.

Eric's mother was talking to me when she came to visit us and she told me something that I haven't heard in a long while, but that attached itself to me in a unique way.

She said,

"More often than not, people are planning how they're going to respond when they are listening to what you say. Less often, people are listening to what you are saying in order to understand what you are saying."

I'm looking forward to listening more. Because.

This is excellent advice.